Calmed down a bit

So I have calmed down a lot since my appointment on Friday. I am still not happy with what happened in the appointment, but I also need to take some responsibility for what happened. My psychologist has done a lot for me, I have been seeing her for 3 years and we have gone through a lot together. I put her in awkward positions a lot and sometimes it isn't fair on her. Also I do not deserve all of her trust, I do lie about a lot to her, I hide things from her, so it isn't surprising that she finds it hard to trust me. One of the things she said in my appointment was how can she trust me when I have been refusing to have my weight checks and blood tests recently, also she brought up the fact she has given me lots of leeway when really I should have been in hospital over recent months. I think maybe I had just pushed her too far, I need to earn her trust again, so that is my aim for now.

I am excited to be going to my ballet class tomorrow, I don't normally have much to look forward to (my fault I know), but this is something I am definitely excited about. My Dad is going to take me, there is no way I could even think about going on my own. I live in a little town, the class is in Bath, which is a city 25 mins driving from my town, I can't drive any more (due to seizures), so I would have to catch the bus on my own, I just couldn't do it. I don't think my Dad is all that keen on taking  me as it is a waste of his time, but he knows it is important for me, maybe eventually I will be able to go on my own on the bus, we will have to see. I have got my ballet shoes, they are cute, I am just going to wear a pair of black leggings and a black top tomorrow, I can't afford the required leotard and tights for a few weeks. I just hope it is going to be as much fun as I have built it up to be.

Sunday I had a small binge and purge session, yesterday I fasted and today I have eaten an apple and some sugar snapped peas, I may have a couple of rice crackers later, but it will be under 200 calories for today. I am going to be some what sensible tomorrow in the fact I have thought long and hard about what I am going to be eating as obviously I have ballet and then in the evening I pilates, so I am going to eat porridge before ballet. Porridge is obviously good as it releases energy slowly, so a nice bowl of porridge in my tummy should keep me going.

Today I took the dog out for a massive walk through the woods with my Dad, I hadn't eaten my apple and sugar snapped peas by that point and I have to confess I struggled a bit, my legs didn't really seem to want to move after a while, I had planned to fast again today, but when I got back from the dog walk at about half two I realised I needed something.

Bob has been leaving me presents on my bed the last two nights again, I have no idea what has set him back again, but waking up to a poo on your duvet is not good fun, lets hope he sorts himself out rapidly, otherwise I may have to start shutting him out of my bedroom at night, which would break my heart.

This is my kitchen floor boards,on the left you can
see the bit of wood they covered the last hole with
the rats just chewed next to it.

I thought I would share some pictures of the rat activity in my flat, I have had rats the whole time I have lived her, which is over 5 years, my landlord doesn't care and I have to fight to get the holes covered, the problem is my landlord will only put wood over the holes they have chewed in my floor boards and obviously the rats just chew back through it. Bob has caught some of the rats, but he lets them go, which actually I would prefer as I don't want him to get bit by one.

This is Bob and Betty's water bowl mat, the
rats decided to eat it plus the carpet.