I had my appointment with my psychologist this morning, I was nervous as it had been 3 weeks since I last saw her as she was on holiday and then last week I cancelled. I tend to find when my weekly routine is disturbed I get anxious, so it becomes a big deal, I get all worked up and panicked about going. I made it this morning, it was nice to see her, until she accused me of lying. She has asked me many times over the last few months if I am still taking my meds, which I am, she normally leaves it at that. But this morning she said that she has been thinking over the last few weeks whilst being away that she doesn't think it is possible that I am still taking them. Her reason being that when I started taking one of them, which was my quetiapine, I gained a lot of weight and my eating was very out of control. So her theory is that if I was still taking it like I say I am then she doesn't see how I could have lost weight again. I assured her that I have been taking all of my meds, she blatantly didn't believe me, so I again said that I have been taking them all and that I promise I would tell her if I hadn't, she then asked if I had been taking it as prescribed. For fucks sake, what else does she want me to say. I HAVE BEEN TAKING IT. So I went into great detail about how last weekend I forgot to pick it up from the chemist and had to go the weekend without and how I had really bad withdrawals, in the hope that would make her believe me. I hope she does believe me, as I am not lying. She did then ask if when I had a major psycho moment around Christmas if I had stopped taking it then. I did confess to that one, as that was true, I stopped taking it for about three or four days, but to be honest I couldn't cope with the withdrawals and so started taking it again.
But what gets me the most is so what, what if I don't want to take it? I hate taking meds, I hate the fact that I 'need' them, why does my life need to revolve around taking these bloody pills to make me 'normal'. I hate that I had to convince her of the fact I am still taking it, why should I? Why does someone have the right to question me as to whether I am taking it or not?
Many times I have wanted to stop taking it and yes when I stopped taking my meds around Christmas time it was because I thought it might help me lose a little bit of extra weight, but also I just don't want to spend the rest of my life munching on pills. I find it embarrassing when I come out of the chemist each month with my goody bag full of pills, I am 26 years old, I take so many bloody pills, will I have to take them for life? If so then are these pills making me lead a 'normal' life or a socially acceptable life, a brain washed pill induced life?
Then she started droning on about weight. I have gained 11 fucking pounds, what more does she want. She says that you can't see that 11 pounds on me, but you can, it is there you CAN see it and the scales don't lie. So just because she can't see it that means it is not enough, as if those 11 pounds don't count as she can't see them on my body. But it is still 11 pounds, AHHHHHH I just want to scream and shout, I want to have a tantrum on the floor and pull my hair from my head.
So as you can probably tell I am in a bad mood.
About Me
- I love Bob Betty
- Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder,Depression and Anorexia,I am described as a 'chronic' self harmer.My pets are my life,why don't you get to know us :)
Hey baby! jut leaving you a HUGE hug. Sounds really crappy the way she accused you? is she quiet client lead or practitioner lead in style? Like does she facilitate your expression etc (client lead) or does she tell you what your feeling more and explain to you rather than the other way round?
ReplyDeleteI have found the practitioner lead the least helpful and infact made me worse for a while. It sucks that you feel you have to justify yourself. hope it gets better?
Anyway lot of loves for you, you pretty, kind thing. really hope that your feeling good . . or as good as possible!
mwah
Jayce xxxx
She sounds rubbish....11 lbs is a lot for someone with an ED to deal with mentally. And as for the meds...I HATE taking them with a passion....in fact i myself have been verging on the edge of not taking the Quetiapine....I hate the way it makes me feel....the drowziness hits me so quick its like being hit with a hammer over the head....and like you Im only in my 20's (well nearly 30 but thats a whole nother winge) and i think is this it? Every week i take enough pills to rattle like a babys toy. So I know where yo are coming from with all this.
ReplyDeleteAnd again she should be pleased with an 11 lb gain....silly bitch ggggrrrr (sorry bout that bit)
You know what?F**k her.I'm sorry but YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ANSWER TO ANYBODY.And the fact that you are seeing her in the first place off your own back says it all.What proof does she need?!
ReplyDeletePsychologists should NOT be trying to govern meds,that is your responsibility to yourself and again,to nobody else.Medication in the right dose with the 'right' balance is effective.But it isn't the end all and be all.The only psych drugs I've been on are anti-depressants but once upon a time I was 16 drugs a day for a muscle condition I have.It was horrible,it clarifys all the defect you make yourself belief you have.It's almost offensive yano?You are Amy with or without the meds.You have every right to be taken as 'Amy' despite any medication you take.Ugh,I feel so annoyed for you,believe me,I can imagine your frustration and anger and upset >:-(
Hey that sucks that she's accusing you :\
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about it,
I feel the same way about pills, what other 15 year old has to take 10 pills a day !
Hope you feel better,
xxx
It's horrible not to be believed when you are obviously such a truthful person :( We hope your therapist later reflects on the way she treated you and realises it wasn't appropriate!
ReplyDeleteTake care
Amy and Danielle
Truth generally works good. Bummer that therapist was calling you a liar, and that she couldn't see the 11 pounds, but ...
ReplyDeleteSo, ... curious, ... what exactly did therapist say, and how? How much of it was what she said, and how much of how she said it, and how much of how you perceived it? All significant, in any case.
So, ... well, you *have* lied to your therapist. Sure, maybe not often, or this time, and perhaps therapist guessed quite incorrectly, and perhaps even nastily accusingly, this time around, but ... what have you got to lose with always being truthful with your therapist? Doesn't mean you have to talk about or disclose *everything*, or talk about stuff before you're ready ... but if lies are left out and only truth spoken - quite consistently, or even always ... maybe therapist wouldn't make such accusations (not that therapist even necessarily should) or suspect that you're not telling the truth?
Therapist *is* there to help you. Perhaps also if you work hard on being quite regular with making it to your therapy appointments, perhaps therapist would be less likely to think or suspect you of evasion of your appointment(s)? Yeah, sometimes therapy can be rather/quite hard - but you should probably always, or pretty much always, keep and go to the appointments anyway. Now, if/when, you tell your therapist why you don't want to come, or make a particular appointment, and therapist tells you you should reschedule or skip that appointment, that's a bit of a different matter, ... but short of that, should probably mostly be going to all those therapy appointments.
And gaining that 11 pounds sounds quite good. You should be proud of it. I dunno, maybe therapist was challenging you a bit to get you to stick up for yourself?