Life in my new flat

Every day my new flat feels more and more like home, when I first walked in I was very overwhelmed by its size and blankness, it really was an empty shell, I was scared as to how I was going to be able to make this my home. But as I sit here now I can honestly say this is my home. Obviously my old furniture and belongings help, but it feels like my home for other reasons, I feel safe here, I feel clean here, I feel I have permission to learn to be happy here. Most of all I feel proud here, at my old flat I was embarrassed, nobody wanted to visit somewhere that  was infested with rats, when they did they would ask for their mugs to be washed in boiling water before they would accept a drink, I would have to apologise for the smell of the decaying rats under my floorboards, I was not allowed to drink tap water.

I now have a flat I can show off, people want to visit and having these visitors has made me realise actually how lonely I really was.

Friday was my last appointment with my psychologist, I have been seeing her for 3 1/2 years, we have had our ups and downs, but I can truly say I love her. I am very very sad and scared to be leaving her, I rely on her, in fact I depend on her. But now I guess I am going to have to learn to cope without her. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, I am going to challenge my official diagnosis in that appointment. I am going to ask him to go through all of the criteria and show me evidence that I fit into them. I am also going to ask for my medication to be reviewed. This is my last chance to do these things as on Friday the 8th of July I am being discharged from the CMHT, I have my discharge CPA with my psychiatrist, psychologist and some bloke who is the head of something or another, my GP can't be present as he is busy, my parents are on holiday, but my sister has agreed to come to support me.

I have to confess I am very scared about being discharged, I am scared of having no one to fall back on, I am scared that there will be no one there to just keep nudging me in the right direction. My psychologist said to me on Friday that she is not dropping off the face of the earth and that I can email her and maybe we could go for a coffee, but I am sure she was just being polite in saying that. I am sure she can't wait for me to no longer be her responsibly, she has said on a number of occasions that I have put her in very awkward positions and that she has gone away from appointments scared of whether she is going to get a phone call saying I have killed myself.

Now why am I being discharged I expect you are thinking, well it isn't because I am better, it isn't because I am now safe, it isn't because I am magically cured. My psychologist said that she is discharging someone who isn't well and isn't safe, but I am not wanting to get better, I am 'therapied out'.

Lets talk about my wonderful babies, Bob and Betty are settling in extremely well, I am proud of them, it took them a while to find there feet, but they are all over the place now, exploring every corner, cupboard, draw. Bob has required an emergency trip to the vets after developing blocked anal glands, he is doing better now after having them emptied and being given anti inflammatory and painkillers. He just needs monitoring now as the poor thing developed an abscess on his bottom the last time this happened. Ben the hamster is well Ben the hamster, not really much more I can say about him! We have Boris, a new addition to the collection, he is a syrian hamster, a lot more fun than Ben as you can interact a lot more with him. We also have my family dog Molly staying for a week whilst my parents are on holiday. She is the apple of my eye (other than Bob and Betty of course!) I love having Molly here, but I don't love having to walk her at 8am!

My GP gave me back my prescription of diazepam after it was taken away as I was 'abusing' it. I am actually going to make a YouTube video about that in the next few days. I am pleased to have it back, I am trying really hard to not repeat past mistakes with it.

Right I am off to take the dog out for a wee, then bath, PJ's and bed for me!

I am glad to be back in the land of twitter, blogger and YouTube :)