Psychiatrist was interesting

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon, it was the last appointment with him before my discharge CPA on Friday. We discussed the usual, my mood, my sleep, my self harm, oddly enough he never mentioned my eating, maybe I look to chubby now for that to be worth discussing.

My quetiapine has been increased, not that frilled about that, but hey ho, I found it rather entertaining when he came out and said "we wont fiddle around with any of your other medications seeing as you are leaving us at the end of the week, but when things get bad we can re look at it again". So basically he is saying that he fully expects that I will be back under the mental health services soon.

I challenged my diagnosis, I had been planning to do this for days, so I politely said that I wanted to discuss my diagnosis with him as I didn't feel it fits. He asked why I thought that and I explained that I had researched it a lot and just didn't see how I met most of the criteria. His response was that I shouldn't be concerning myself with things like my diagnosis, that it wasn't really all that important and that I need to be thinking about my future now. What a joke, if I had a diagnosis of MS or parkinsons disease I would be encouraged to challenge it, discuss it, talk about how I fit into it, but no because I want to challenge my mental health diagnosis I am just dismissed. I have decided I am going to bring it up again at my discharge CPA seeing as there will be 3 mental health professionals there plus my sister. It wont hurt to bring it up again and try and get my point across a bit better.

I am very aware that I am over sleeping at the moment, it is a coping mechanism I often revert back to. It just feels like the best way to get through the day, snooze for a few hours, then live life for a few hours, then snooze for a few hours, so on and so on. Having my diazepam back makes this all the easier, I am going to have to break this cycle before it takes over again.

My yearly obsession about my birthday is starting to creep in again. My birthday is in the middle of August, for the last few years it has filled me with dread, this is because every year I become completely obsessed that I need to commit suicide on my birthday. It started about 4 years ago when I was extremely suicidal and the voice driving this in my mind convinced me that doing it on my birthday was the best thing all round. It would meant that then people would only have to think about me once a year, normally when someone dies we grieve for them on the day they died and their birthday, so my mind told me that I should die on my birthday to save people the trouble. Ever since it has been a huge obsession and every year as my birthday approaches it starts to niggle in the back of my mind, as the date of my birthday draws closer it gets stronger and stronger. My psychologist says that I am being 'dramatic' when I talk to her about this, so I have stopped mentioning it now.

Tomorrow I have to go over and scrub my old flat clean, I have to confess I am not really in the mood, but it needs doing. It is horrible every time I go over there as it is not my home anymore, this is my home. I cannot wait to hand back those keys and never have to set foot in that place again!!!