The days feel so much longer

The days feel so much longer at the moment, they aren't, it is just because I am not sleeping half the day away any more, come to think about it I am not sleeping half the night either. I cannot explain my sudden insomnia, my normal dose quetiapine used to knock me out for the night, but these days the nights are long and lonely and go on forever. I need to sleep, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week, so am hoping he can give me something. Sleep is badly needed.

Did something stupid

I did something stupid yesterday, I have been having terrible trouble sleep, yesterday I was just so exhausted and needed to sleep, so I took 10 of my anti psychotics, for no other reason than a desperation to sleep. Lets put it this way, I definitely slept! I do not recommend it to anyone though, as obviously it is dangerous.

I had my appointment with my psychologist today, it was good, although I mentioned my YouTube account, she said I was a dark horse as I had never mentioned it before, I always new I would tell her about it eventually, but I have been avoiding it as I am scared that she will look for it now. I think maybe she was a bit annoyed, as I struggle to tell her things sometimes and here I am telling the internet some of my most personal thoughts and feelings. But it is different writing it here on my blog or making a video for my YouTube channel, none of you know who I am, you no my name is Amy, you know I am 26, blah blah blah, but you don't Know me like she does.

She brought up the topic of my weight, which is something I definitely do not want to talk about. I wish I could talk to her about it, but I can't, I don't think she quite realises how chubby I actually am, I always keep my coat and scarf on when in my appointments, so she probably thinks I weigh less than I do, I think she would be horrified if she saw how chunky I actually am.
Hey lets just hope she isn't reading this now!

I am in agony

I am in agony, as I am sat her typing I am trying not to breathe in too deeply, as every time I do more than a shallow breath I get a shooting through my chest and into my stomach. It hurts A LOT, I am going to snuggle up with a hot water bottle and hope and pray it goes.

Bloody disgusting

Sorry for the lack of blogs, I am really struggling to do basic things at the moment, so blogging isn't the top of my list. I do however have to confess to something disgusting I did this evening, I ate a massive chunk of french baguette bread that had been in my bin for 2 days. I will leave you to make up your minds as to exactly how disgusting that is.

Strange question for you

I have a strange question for you, do you think it is wrong to love your therapist? I have been seeing my psychologist weekly for over three years now, she knows more about me than any body else in the entire world, I trust her more than I ever trusted anyone in my life. I have developed a love for her, obviously it is not a sexual love, or a love that you would feel for a family member, it is a type of love I have never felt before. It is a warm type of love, a trusting type of love, a comforting type of love. I feel like she really wants me to get better and truly cares what happens to me. I also feel this deep urge to make her proud of me, I want to show her I can do things, I guess it is like wanting to please a parent as a child.

Is this wrong?

Appointment with my psychologist

I had my weekly appointment with my psychologist, we talked through so many memories that I haven't ever discussed with any one, they just kept pouring out of me, I cried so much, I hate crying.

I think I almost felt like I was grieving, grieving for a little girl, but that little girl was me. I think this is a process that I really needed to do and probably need to do more. I never had the childhood I deserved and I think I am finally starting to realise that fact.

I wish I could go back in time and have a different childhood, I wish I could change my teenage years and most of all I wish I could take back some of the things I put myself through in my early twenties. I have been abused, but worst of all I have abused my own body, almost beyond recognition. But I cannot change any of these things, I can only accept them and accept it wasn't my fault.

I am grieving for myself.

I am getting sicker

I am getting sicker, but to be honest I don't want it to stop any more. I would be quite happy to die from anorexia, in fact that seems like the only way out of this hell.

Since my binge the other day I have consumed 162 calories per day, my body is getting weak, so is my mind. I do not want to try any more. I give up.