Do I deserve sympathy?

Do I deserve sympathy? I am in a lot of pain from my arm, I mean I had a fairly big operation on it, an operation that if it took place under different circumstances, say if I had had an accident, would mean that I would be able to say how much pain I am in and not worry about people think. But I can't, so I make out that it is fine, even though I want to scream I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN.

Went out yesterday

Yesterday I left my flat, it is the first time for a while, apart from to the hospital. I felt very anxious about it, I probably wouldn't have done it if it hadn't have been for the fact it was my Dads 60th birthday party. My sister picked me up, other wise I don't think I would have done it.

It was OK, a bit overwhelming, as there were so many people there. What was most difficult was of course every asking what had happened to my arm, as obviously I have the stupidly over the top back slab plaster cast on it, and there is no hiding it. I went with I fell over, most people would leave it at that, but some people would probe further, so I went with one worded answers. I probably came across as quite rude, but that is tough, people shouldn't be so nosey.

That is the hardest thing at the moment, I have what they call a back slab on my arm, I woke up with it on after the operation. A back slab is mainly made from plaster, but it is not a full cast to allow for swelling after the operation. It is big and heavy, very uncomfortable and extremely hard to hide. I have to keep it on to protect the healing tendons, I will have it for two weeks after the operation, then I have to attend the hand clinic. Depending on how it is will depend on what happens next. I may come away with another back slab, which I will be gutted about, a normal plaster cast, which will be lighter and easier to hide, or finally a plastic splint, which will be moulded to my hand to fit perfectly. So we will have to wait and see. I just want it over and done with, but I no it is going to be a long process, I will need months of physiotherapy to get any kind of function back to my hand.

I still can't believe I have done this to myself.

Need to get dressed

I need to get dressed and motivated. I haven't got out of my pyjamas since coming home from hospital. I just don't see the point, getting dressed just feels like a completely pointless waste of energy, energy that I don't have. I haven't even brushed my teeth or hair, but I no I need to do it, so will try later.

I was meant to have an appointment with my psychologist this week, just a routine, nothing to do with my recent incident, but I cancelled. I felt to exhausted to get up and go and the thought of leaving my flat terrified me.

I am back to having to rely on my family to help me do simple things and bring things to me. I need someone to wash up, someone to wash my hair for me etc. I hate being back to being so dependant on people. I am a burden, my family have their own lives, I am an adult, they shouldn't be having to look after me like a child. I bet they never thought they would end up nursing their 26 year old daughter.

I am so tired

I am so tired of this fight, I have fought so hard for so long. I am exhausted, I don't have much fight left in me any more.

I am tired of crying, I am tired of talking, I am tired of sleeping. I am tired of everything.

I don't no what to do any more.

Have been doing my usual restricting with food, again it is the only thing I have control of these days.

Home from hospital

Well I am home from hospital. I feel very drained and exhausted.

I have had an operation to repair the cut tendons, I have been told that because they have repaired them before, they don't no how much function I will have.

I have got a hideous large plaster cast on my arm, which I hate, as it will draw attention to me and that is the last thing I want. I want to disappear.

Majorly fucked up

I have fucked up more than you could imagine, I have let down my family, friends and most importantly myself. I am currently led in a hospital bed, I am going to theatre shortly to repair tendons that I have cut in my wrist,after self harming and cutting to deep.

I cannot believe I have messed up so badly, I am a failure.

So ill

Oh my god, I feel like I am dying, and not in a nice quick peaceful way. I appear to have some type of tummy bug, I am used to vomiting from years of making myself sick, and I am used to extreme tummy cramping and diarrhoea from previous bouts of laxative abuse, so I should be alright. But I actually feel so ill, the cramping in my tummy is unbelievable, it is actually making me cry, I just don't no what to do with myself.

I want to curl up in a ball and not move.